Had a VERY down day yesterday. I just wanted to pack up and go home. I miss my kids, my dog, my routine, my coffee, the woods, my friends, my exercise, my everything. Sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself, and I am!
My teachers have taught me that these are times during which we grow the most. I guess they are right, but it feels awful and I want it to be over, right now.
I am up against myself. There is nowhere to hide, no escape route, no way to soothe myself. I am facing that incredible discomfort that comes with movement, stillness, questioning, evaluating, yes oppositional behaviors and mind games. There is no chocolate, ice cream, exercise, movie, tv, car ride, internet, or shopping I can do to evade my situation or feelings. I am in Malawi in a little house with no entertainment except me!
One of my fav teachers, Christina Brannock, delivered such eloquent, emotional lessons characterizing this place in life as “breaking open”. She illustrated the process in which God, our circumstances, the universe delivers us a life event or experience during which our entire way of being, our heart and soul is vulnerable and exposed, stripped of our comfortable customs and security. Our spirits, our hearts are broken wide open. We can then choose to walk through the discomfort and experience all of it or ignore and push it aside as we become increasingly distressed and uncomfortable. We never know what door will open on the other side if we can walk through the discomfort.
Safe to say, I am in that state and I am a squirming, irritable mess! Yet as I begged God to help me get through this and began to meditate I became aware of the sensation of energy returning and my enthusiasm to write this blog emerged. My hands began to tingle, my heart chakra surged with an openness and energy and thoughts about writing came easily into my awareness. Grateful for the renewal, I ended the meditation and broke out the keyboard, eager to write.
I am confident that I am not through it yet, not by a longshot, but grateful for the hiatus and relief from my pain for the moment. Having absolutely no idea where this journey will take me is a complete act of faith and confidence that God has put me right where I should be, even though I don’t like it or understand it right now. At times finding that faith and positive attitude is so damn hard.
I am just trying to get through the day. Sometimes it is an hour by hour process just to stay focused on being in the moment and to experience the goodness, the beauty, the life around me. Sometimes I just don’t want to; I want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and zone out. So I do, and that’s OK.
Friday is a big day here on campus. Malawi President Mutharika will be on campus to attend graduation. This is a very big deal, and they have to basically drive right by my house to get to the soccer field where the event will occur. I am looking forward to witnessing the happy celebration and see how they do it, Malawi style. Then, I have an incredible getaway planned for myself. So stay tuned…more to follow.
Thanks to all of you for your support for my experience here in Malawi and for reading and commenting on my blog! It means a lot to me and is very comforting.